Monday, April 7, 2014

Sexcula Will Suck More Than Your Blood!

Director: Bob Hollowich

Cast: Debbie Collins, Jamie Orlando, John Alexander, Tim Lowery, Marie McLeod, Bud Coal, David F. Hurry

Impulse Pictures / Region Free / Unrated / 1.33:1 Fullscreen / 2.0 Mono / 86 minutes

Extras: Theatrical trailer / Liner notes


The 1970s and early '80s brought us some wonderfully weird adult cinema. Back then when you could still call them "films" without it being colloquial, porn filmmakers went balls-to-the-wall with storylines and a lot of the time the sex took a backseat to the nuttiness. That could definitely be said for the long-thought lost Canadian porn parody Sexcula which was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia (GO CANUCKS!). Bizarre doesn't begin to describe Bob Hollowich's (aka John Holbrook who went on to work as camera operator and director of photography on mainstream films) sex-filled gothic nod to the Universal Monsters, starring Marilyn Chambers lookalike Debbie Collins who only did this one movie.

The story begins with a good-looking young couple (the girl is Collins who also plays Countess Sexcula in dual roles) who visit a rundown house once owned by her grandmother. They find a diary and begin reading it while on a naked picnic. The film shifts to telling the story of Dr. Fallatingstein (we can assume she is the girl's grandmother) who is busy creating sex a sex robot to pleasure herself. The problem is "Frank" can't exactly step up to the plate, if you know what I mean. So the perverted doctor creates a female pleasure-bot to try to get his motor running, but to no avail. The next step is to call in her friend Countess Sexcula, who is a hooker with supernatural powers.

Sexcula swoops in and tries everything from hypnotism to a sexy striptease featuring a gorilla that culminates into a mutual raping (!) to get Frank to sport some wood. Still the poor fuck droid just can't get the blood flowing downstairs. It isn't until the Countess of Cooter (that's my name for her) uses her vampire-like power of stealing the virility (nay "sex cells") from random people including XXX actors on the set of a wedding porn! That's right, Sexcula smashes the "fourth wall" and takes us to a scene where nuptials turn into an orgy where even the old minister eventually gets dragged into the action (YUCK!). Spoiler alert: the supernatural vampirism works and the last stanza is a montage of everyone getting their collective groove on.


This obscure Canuck production is as entertaining as they come. Of course you have the requisite sex scenes which take up about half of the runtime but the other half is filled with craziness that only '70s adult cinema could bring us. There is a running gag throughout where Orgie, Dr. Fallatingstein's disgusting assistant, can't get laid aside from the gorilla who just wants to bang him in the booty. It's hilarious to watch the two wrestle around; a horrid looking hunchback-type and a dude in an obvious ape suit. The "actors", and I use that term very loosely, deliver their lines like maybe someone is standing off camera with a cue card because they couldn't be bothered to learn their lines. The whole production is a mess but it's a lot of fun to watch.

With a film like this, one that is so incredibly unnoted, it's a wonder that I now have it on my hands. Impulse Pictures somehow have worked to make this a viable and watchable piece of adult history. The only problem I could see is that there are some scenes that are so darkly lit that it's hard to tell what's going on, especially scenes in the lab and with the gorilla. But I think that is more a testament to the production values of the filming and not the resurrection transfer to digital that was taken from a theatrical print found in the basement of the Library and Archives of Canada. There are no extras other than a trailer, but great liner notes from porn guru Dimitrios Otis and on the flip side a fantastic cartoon synopsis of the movie by Rick Trembles.

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