Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Bite: Blade is a Pussy

Director: Joel D. Wynkoop

Cast: Joel D. Wynkoop, Gustavo Perez, M. Catherine Holseybrook, Frank Burns II, Noel Maree, Karen M. Thomas, Mark Nash

Cult Movie Mania / Region 1 / Unrated / 1.33:1 fullscreen / English Mono / 78 minutes

Extras: Joel D. Wynkoop interview / Wynkoop Super-8 movies / Trailers

BUY FROM CULT MOVIE MANIA

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Joel D. Wynkoop has been called the King of B-Movies by many. I would like to add to his pedigree by also making him the King of Tampa Low-Budget Cinema. He has more than 100 acting credits on his resume. He seems to be in every-fucking-thing that has ever slithered from the Bay Area underground. Think of him as a whiter, poorer version of Samuel L. Jackson with martial arts skills. He started his movie career in 1985 with Twisted Illusions, a horror anthology he co-wrote and directed with Tim Ritter (Wicked Games, Killing Spree), a collaboration that would continue for decades. His roles have varied from the comical to the maniacal and everything in between, sometimes in the same character. I once heard him sing the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show theme a cappella, I shit you negative. 

So what happens when a dude who does one-man shows, has more energy than 3 men half his age, and apparently has unlimited drive tackles the overdone, boring vampire genre? Oh, I'm glad I asked. It just so happens that in 2005 Wynkoop co-wrote a script with Phil Herman that smashes the vampire mythos with not only post-apocalyptic action, but mother fucking martial arts to boot! Yes, it's a post-apocalyptic kung-fu vampire flick, you read that right. He plays "Nick Hazard", an ass kicking guy who is trapped on Earth with a population that has fallen prey to "The Bite", a disease that causes vampirism. After he is forced to kill his beloved wife when she is bitten by one of the filthy vermin, Hazard is visited by Madame Ora who tells him that he is "the one" to save the Earth. 

The Bite skips around in time and opens with Hazard already embroiled in a battle with an evil vampire helpfully named "The Destroyer". This martial arts marathon fight eats up nearly eleven minutes of the movie's 78 minute run time and ends only when Hazard is killed. Or is he? Of course not, there is a little more than an hour left to kung-fu kick fuckers, stake bitches and spout exceptional dialogue like this winner after a dude asked him what did he just inject him with, "Something I created. Kinda like a vaccine. Sort of...". Apparently that "sort of vaccine" sucks because it didn't seem to help one person who was inoculated. It's low on gore and nudity but rife with cheesy goodness. Midget vampires, Hulk Hogan impersonators and a smoking hot black vampire chick with big hoots are among the highlights of this kung-fu kicking', vampire killin' SOV lost classic.

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