Thursday, June 8, 2017

Joe D'Amato's Undead Porn Double-Feature: PORNO HOLOCAUST and EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD


Have you ever watched really bad (good?) 70's porn? Have you ever watched a really bad (good?) Joe D'Amato film? Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man, I really want to see a really bad (good?) pornographic horror movie by Joe D'Amato!"? Are you thinking right now that the whole "bad (good?)" thing is getting old? Me too, so let's move on and check out D'Amato's Porno Holocaust...

A group of scientists are chaperoned by some sailors to an island where they are going to investigate some weird goings on. The island was bombed years ago and was thought to be a radioactive wasteland but aerial photos and fishermen stories tell a different tale. Tales of a possible mutated human. So the scientists meet up with the Magnum P.I. look-a-like Captain and one of the girls hooks up with him as one last fling before the trip. One of the other scientist chicks goes to a couple of black man-whores for a little pleasure before work. The weird thing about this scene is that she looks totally mortified and kinda grossed out about the whole deal. She even continually pulls away when the guys try to kiss her. And later in the movie she tells her friend, "Yeah, those guys really reamed me out good. I'm going to be sore for days!" It's an odd scene.


But I digress, on to the island... When they arrive at the island the only life they find is some strangely large crabs (how appropriate!). We have some filler of the doctors trying to figure out stuff. There is more uncomfortable sex, this time on the beach. Then we finally see the atomic, nay nuclear, monstrosity. Who, by the way, looks like an ugly and homeless black man (racist!). He's barely grotesque at all save a weirdly huge nose. But once we see him, people start disappearing. Women get raped by his huge mutated cock, one of whom is dead! And we see a couple splashes of faces and heads being smashed to bits. But there isn't near enough of that.

There were lots of unintentional laughs throughout, but my favorite was the ending. I don't think I'm giving anything away when I say that there is nothing like a sweet, hardcore sex scene in the tiny getaway rowboat. Priceless. It did run a little long for me and was slow in places, but you come to expect a little boring filler with your sleaze. The running time was 113 minutes but I think it could have been cut to about 90 minutes and been a much better movie. But it's worth a viewing if only to say that you've seen it. If you are a fan of D'Amato or really cheesy dialogue and story, I think you will dig this.


Okay, gather around the boob tube, it's time for a reunion of the cast from Porno Holocaust and this time they invited the stunning Laura Gemser! OK, technically Porno Holocaust came out after Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, but you get my drift. D'Amato has brought together the gang for, well, basically the same movie as last time. Why? Because to save money D'Amato shot not only these two movies but Sesso Nero, Orgasmo Nero and Hard Sensations concurrently in Santo Domingo. The films share not only the same location, but similar themes and actors as well. Some footage is even recycled! He shot Papaya, Love Goddess of the Cannibals in the same location a couple of years earlier which also stars the lovely Gemser.

John (Mark Shannon), is an archaeologist/businessman who buys a cursed island inhabited by the walking dead to develop it for tourists. So he employs boat Captain Larry (D'Amato staple, George Eastman) to take him and his um, date (read: ho-bag he met at his hotel) to the island. But first he gets a couple other local whores and they have some of the sexy time. If I'm not mistaken, it's the only "hardcore" scene in the movie. Unless, of course, you count a stripper squatting on a champagne bottle and opening it with her lady curtains.


But I digress again... When they arrive on the island, they find an old lumpy-headed local and his granddaughter Luna (Gemser). They are warned of the impending danger of being on the island and John is promptly told that they cannot be bought with his money. They begin to hear strange noises and have equally strange and cryptic encounters with Luna who gives Larry a small statue that she says will keep him safe. Cue the dead dudes. 15-20 minutes of the slow bastards rising from their shallow graves and chasing the 2 survivors (that's right, one of the 3 gets turned into a dickless zombie!). There is also a prologue and epilogue of Larry being in a mental institution...blah, blah...yadda, yadda. It's really not worth mentioning.

Just enjoy the boobs, bush, and zombies. Sorry, I couldn't think of a "B" word for zombie. To say this is pretty typical D'Amato is redundant. Most of his stuff is typical of his other stuff. There is the sleaze complete with hardcore inserts. The slow, drawn out scenes to build atmosphere. And a few gore shots. Add an illogical plot, dialogue and character actions and you have the Joe D'Amato stew. Also typical is George Eastman NOT getting nude. The man has sex with his jeans on for Christ's sake! And speaking of sex, there wasn't as much of the explicit sex as I expected. Lots and lots of completely nude people running amok, but not much of the ol' in-and-out.


I did enjoy the slow moving dead with tattered clothes and head dresses. They kinda reminded me of the dead in Amando De Ossorio's Blind Dead series. Only not quite as badass. The dead make-up isn't that great but it really doesn't have to be. There aren't many close-ups of their faces, mostly sweeping shots of their sloooooow moooooving saunter. I also like Eastman, he's such a bad actor, but he tries DAMMIT! Gemser was under used in my opinion, but then again, unless she is in every scene, she is under used for me. I don't know what it is about Joe's movies, but they have an inexplicable Italian charm that I love. If you're a D'Amato or Gemser completest, pick this up as a companion piece with Porno Holocaust. They're both worthy of your collection.

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