Director: Joseph Guzman
Cast: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Aycil Yeltan, Perry D’Marco, Maz Siam, Bill Oberst Jr.
Disk Extras: Original short film / Theatrical trailer
Imagine if you will, Robert Rodriguez making a film based on the Lindsay Lohan character “April” from his film Machete, the young lady who dresses like a nun and wields big guns. That is exactly what you get with Joseph Guzman’s post-grindhouse exploitation homage, Nude Nuns With Big Guns. Everything about the movie reminded me of a Rodriguez flick, the Desperado trilogy to be more specific. Right out of the gate the theme song to Nude Nuns sounds incredibly like the Planet Terror theme from Rodriguez’s half of Grindhouse with its sax-heavy swagger. None of this is a bad thing, but the “inspiration” is obvious.
Sister Sarah is a nun whose convent is run by priests who manufacture and sell mass quantities of drugs to lowlifes like an Outlaw biker gang called Los Muertos, who also acts as the muscle for the church. She is sold to the bikers as payment for trying to steal some of their drugs and they abuse her and shoot her up until she almost dies. During a drug induced coma, she has a vision from God that tells her to take vengeance on those who did her wrong by murdering them; both bikers and clergy alike. She begins mowing down the coke suppliers first and she saves one of her fellow Sisters from the bad guys and they become lesbian lovers. The two team up and turn into holy fucking killing machines as they try to work their way through the riffraff all the way to the Pope.
This highly stylized nunsploitation action movie has gotten some “meh” reviews online and I’m not quite sure why. It’s not very original and covers some pretty well-trod ground but that doesn’t make it any less fun to watch. The pacing of the action never really lulls for very long and you’re always guaranteed that a shoot-out or some naked titties are right around the corner. The production values are great, the editing is slick and the acting is on point for this kind of film. In fact, Asun Ortega who plays “Sister Sarah” is a beautiful, kick-ass chick with lots of cojones and action flick chops. David Castro, who looks incredibly like a tougher Antonio Banderas, may be my favorite though with his suave, slimy, ultra-violent portrayal of the lead biker “Chavo”. Those two make a super yin/yang combination.
The screenplay is based on a 4 minute short film (included in disk extras) that is actually integrated into the feature except with different actresses. I would have liked a few more extras like a commentary with the director but sadly, the short film and a theatrical trailer is all you get. The HD picture is fantastic and really shows off the stylish cinematography and post-production work but the audio levels were all over the place. The dialogue was almost a whisper while the music rattled the windows, so I had to keep my finger on the volume button. The end of Nude Nuns was abrupt and obviously is leading us to a sequel which I see as a good thing because as we know, sequels are always more over-the-top. Here’s to more nude nuns and bigger guns!