Teeth (2007 Review)
Tagline: “Every rose has its thorns.”
Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein
Cast: Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Hale Appleman, Ashley Springer
Dimension Extreme / Color / NTSC R1 / Rated R / Anamorphic Widescreen (1.85:1) / Dolby Digital 5.1 / English / 94 mins / Purchase from DiabolikDVD.com
“Vagina dentata is Latin for toothed vagina. Various cultures have folk tales about women with toothed vaginas, frequently told as cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex with strange women.” – Wikipedia
Okay, before you start making jokes like “doesn’t every pussy have teeth?”, let me answer… yes. Vaj-ay-jays are scary, dark, dank orifices that sometimes give males pleasure when we accidentally fall into them correctly. They are enigmas wrapped in mysteries for most men (re: all men that are telling the truth). But with the dentata we aren’t talking about men with matricidal detachments from all things non-penis. We are talking about literal chompers inside the female sexual anatomy. Imagine the sand pit monster from Return of the Jedi and you will get the idea.
Dawn is a high school virgin who preaches chastity to groups of kids. She lives at home with her beloved sick mother, stepfather, and depraved step brother who wants to get into her pure little panties. She is just a normal teenage girl trying to get through school, survive her family and meet the right boy. The only problem is, every guy she meets is a real jerk: Tobey, the rapist in virgin clothing. Ryan, the typical teen boy just trying to get some cooch. And, as I said, her loser step-brother who has a predilection for fucking girls in the most uncomfortable of places (no, not the back of a Volkswagen). Unknown to these fine, upstanding young men (as well as Dawn herself) she is equipped with her own “Pussy Security System”, namely the dentata.
In essence, Teeth is a girl’s “coming of age” story that could have been told by Judy Blume had she mixed up an 8-ball of acid and GHB and shot it directly into her brain. Jess Weixler as “Dawn O’Keefe” is damn near perfect as the puritanical, cock-chomping girl-next-door. She is pretty in a “real-world” sort of way and comes off very believable and charming. The other quirky characters come and go with tight writing guiding them through the darkly witty and sometimes funny dialogue and situations. First time writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein did a superb job with potentially campy and over-the-top subject matter that he plays with almost a straight face.
If you are looking for a cheesy gore-fest like the exceptionally crude (and very entertaining) Sexual Parasite aka Killer Pussy, you will be disappointed. That doesn’t mean that you will miss out on some blood and guts. For you gorehounds, there is enough post-coital penis mayhem as well as offensive playfulness to satisfy all of the exploitation fans in the crowd. I own one other Dimension Extreme film (Inside) and so far I am impressed with their product. I have heard that some of their library is so-so, but they are 3-for-3 with me. Teeth is a sick, sick movie masquerading as a teenage melodrama. But don’t let it fool you… this one bites.
